One Year Ago Today (And Forward)

Today is June 22, 2011.

This exact day last year the surgeon who performed the biopsy on my chest told me that I had Hodgkin Lymphoma. I remember that day so vividly - I was at a loss. I was just kind of in a daze the whole day after that, wondering what I was going to do and what was going to happen to me in the next year. I was trying to prepare myself and come to terms with what I was about to endure. I was going to undergo chemotherapy and radiation. I was going to be sick and slow. I was going to lose all my hair. I was going to be a cancer patient.

I remember when I was younger I used to used to think out the scenario of what it would be like if I was ever diagnosed with cancer. Maybe it's the daydreamer in me that thought about this, as morbid of a thought it is. Of course, these thoughts always remained just that - thoughts. I never actually imagined that something as serious as cancer would ever hit me. But it did.

This past year has been the most difficult year of my life. Aside from the cancer, and trying to beat it while living 3,000 miles away from my entire family, it has been a tough experience trying to settle into the "real world," too. I started my first job and for the first time I was getting paid to do the things I have been studying for and interning for over the past 5 years. It is not an easy transition from school to the "real world" and it's even more difficult when you're faced with a critical health issue.

But 6 months and 12 rounds of chemotherapy, 4 weeks of radiation, numerous PET and CT scans, dozens of doctor visits, scars on my chest, and thousands of dollars in medical bills later, I am finally healthy. My first follow-up PET scan revealed that the mass in my chest is still there, but not cancerous and continues to shrink. I remember sitting in the hospital chair, having my chemotherapy administered into my veins and just fantasizing about the moment my doctor told me that I was all clear of cancer.

I try not to reminisce too much about the past. I have enjoyed living a life that doesn't include heavy dosages of medication or being bald. I like being able to do anything I want without any physical or health restrictions. I just enjoy being a normal 23-year-old again! But there are parts of the cancer that still linger with me... most of all, the two scars on my chest (one from my biopsy, one from my port).

The scars are my daily reminder that I did indeed go through what I went through. Yes, cancer did happen to me. And I will have those scars for the rest of my life to remind me of my journey, to remind me of how quickly life can be taken away... to remind me that I am not immortal.

Every time I smell rubbing alcohol, nail polish remover, some household cleaners, or anything else with harsh smells similar to those things, I feel sick. They remind me of the taste I would get in the back of my throat when the nurse would inject me with my chemo doses. As soon as the drugs were administered into my system, I would smell and taste a rubbing alcohol-like flavor. I'm not sure I will ever forget that taste.

Red Gatorade, or other red drinks always get me. I can't drink them. They remind me of the Adriamycin, the first drug in my Hodgkin Lymphoma chemo cocktail (ABDV). It was a thick, red liquid that was always in a red syringe. Anything that looks like that makes me sick to my stomach.

Some other things that I am still working on now include getting back to my normal self. It's one thing to be in "fighter mode" during cancer, but after cancer you realize that your energy no longer belongs to it. Instead, your energy belongs to the normal things again: work, social life, future, etc. It's actually a difficult transition. I was so used to being helpless in many situations and not having the energy to move full steam ahead with my goals, and once I did have that energy, I found it difficult to just jump back on the party train. But I'm taking baby steps.

My appearance is a work in progress. I gained about 20 pounds during my treatments and I'm still trying to grow my hair back. (For the record, I like my short hair but dearly miss my long hair!) I've started working out again and I'm closely monitoring my diet. Trying to get my life back in order after cancer is kind of like starting all over again. I kind of feel like I'm starting back at square one from before my diagnosis. But like I said, I have been waiting for this moment for so long.

In two weeks I am going to Hawaii to celebrate my grandparents' 50th anniversary. I am going to see some of my family members that I haven't seen since before my diagnosis! It's going to be so nice being able to go on a long trip without worrying if I will be healthy enough or if I'll be able to make it through without being sick.

One year later, I am living my life just the way I always wanted to.

4 Months Post-Treatments

Can you believe it? Four months have gone by and I already feel like cancer happened ages ago. This time last year I was getting my biopsy done and just about to discover that the lump growing in my chest was actually a cancerous tumor.

I got my first follow-up CT scan done this past Monday. I'll have to get one of those about three times a year for the first couple years after my treatments. The worst part of that is just drinking the barium sulfate liquid that coats my intestines. Don't let the flavored "smoothie" fool you. My GOD those are disgusting! I had the vanilla flavored one this time, which was a tad better than the mocha flavored one I spoke about earlier on in this blog (for those of you who have followed this all the way though, remember "mocha flavored semen"?).

Things post-treatment have been pretty good so far. My hair is growing back in slowly but it's been fun rocking a little pixie cut! It's finally at a length that is starting to look a little shaggy. It's been difficult adjusting to having short hair, but it definitely beats having none at all! And I don't need to wear a wig anymore in order to feel normal. I can't complain about that option - it's 95 degrees in New York City right now and even the thought of me wearing a wig makes me sweat! But the short hair is kind of cute, right? Check me out in my hospital garb to the right a couple of days ago...

Aside from the hair, it's been a process just getting back into the daily swing of normal life. Working full steam and paying all my medical bills and trying to answer that questions of "what's next?" is tough after such a long battle with Alice. I'm finally on my own ready (and strong enough) to take on new challenges, but it's a little daunting! But let's be real - I can do it, right? ;)

Adios Jessica

Check it out!! My hair is starting to grow back, and kinda fast!! Today I stopped wearing my wig to work. The stickers that I use to attach it to my head were starting to pull on my hair and become painful. Therefore, I decided that it must be time to say goodbye to Jessica. (It's been fun, Jessica, but it's time to move on!). Most of my co-workers knew what I was going through, but many people didn't. I shared my story with some, and others I didn't. It's funny because most people think that I cut my hair!! A lot of people told me that it's such a bold haircut but it looks good on me. I think so, too!

Hello hair! I've missed you!

It's kind of nice having short hair for the first time in my life (and much better than having NO hair, too!). If I wasn't forced to be bald in the first place, then I never would have cut my hair to this length. I'm happy that people have been responding favorably to my new look. It really gives me a lot of confidence that I was unsure I would be able to get.

I never thought that it would mean so much to me to be growing my hair again, but I must admit, it feels so damn good to have hair again!!! I keep running my fingers over my scalp to feel my little baby hairs coming in, and it makes me smile. :)

New port, same attitude.

Good news! I'm officially one third of the way finished with my treatment! Take that motherf****r Alice!!!

Today was chemo treatment number 4 of 12. Doesn't seem like much, but knowing that I am one third of the way finished makes everything feel so much better and definitely keeps my spirits high!

Today was also the first time I used my new port. I had it surgically implanted in my chest yesterday. It makes chemo SO much easier (despite all the pain caused by the poking and prodding it took to access it under all the swelling. FUN TIMES!).

For the past several treatments I had been receiving my chemo through IVs, which hurt my veins for days after. It also took much longer for me to receive my treatment. I'm not going to lie - the drugs are some serious stuff! It burned in my veins so much that the nurses had to slow down my dosages. So what would normally take an hour took two and a half. What a great way to spend a Friday.

So hooray for the port! Anyone getting chemo should have one. It makes life a whole lot easier. Now time to celebrate!

I need some black friends STAT!

One of my best friends from Miami told me that I should date a black guy because "they're used to dealing with wigs!" Haha! (For the record, she's black.) I'm trying to get used to this wig thing. I don't know how to wash it. I don't know how to wear it. I don't know what to do if it rains. I don't know how to approach the thought of hooking up with a guy and telling him to stay the hell away from my hair if he is in a "hair-pulling" mood. (Hey! It'll get messed up!). Hence, the comment from my friend. Haha. I need some black friends in New York, SERIOUSLY, to explain this all to me! I'm a lost little white girl!

I'm quite fond of my wig though, but when I hang out around my apartment I'm usually in my Michael Phelps gear, a.k.a. my "swimmers hat" a.k.a. the stretchy thing I'm wearing over my head in the video. It's super comfy! And it may be the perfect indicator that I'm a young cancer patient, but SCREW THAT! It's 90 f***ing degrees in New York City and I need to keep cool!

Toodles!

Taking the plunge: Bald and Loving it!

I DID IT!! I CHOPPED MY HAIR OFF! AND I FEEL FABULOUS!!! It's incredible that I've been able to maintain my self esteem. If anything, I feel even MORE confident and beautiful than ever! Was definitely not expecting this.

Take a look at my photos below:

Just chopped all my hair off... ready to get buzzed!

All my hair. It looks so sad.

For fun I had the stylist give me a mohawk during the buzzing process. Probably won't have that opportunity again, so why not!?

Enter G.I. Amanda. I'm actually kind of digging it!

And finally...

Final decision: FEELING FIERCE AND BEAUTIFUL!

The hardest part: Hair loss.

I'm boldly going where I never wanted to go: I'm chopping my hair off. This is very hard for a girl who has gone her whole life constantly getting compliments for having fabulous hair. I am attached to mine like Marsha Brady. THIS IS NOT AN EASY THING TO DO! But it needs to be done. There is hair all over my apartment - on the floor, in my bed, on my clothes, in my food! Gross. Time to chop it off.

I anticipate hours of crying hysterically. But I will counter that with at least two pints of Ben & Jerry's. Maybe I will throw some chips and popcorn in there, depending on my level of depression.

But wait a second. I've completely let my vanity distract me from the fact that I have cancer... and OVERCOMING cancer! I suppose the hair loss means the drugs are working ;)

Gotta stay positive! Stay tuned for pictures...

Ready, set, CHEMO.

I'm about to get my first chemo treatment and I'm not really sure what to expect.

I mean, I'm going to be hooked up to a machine. Am I going to turn into a vegetable? And I going to be sick? Will I be the youngest person there?

The one thing I'm really concerned about is whether I will feel okay enough to go to my friend's birthday party tomorrow night. Oh, the worries of a 22-year-old cancer patient! Hah.

Knowing me, I will do whatever it takes to feel okay. I hate feeling down and being negative. So bring on the drugs! And I'm ready to give cancer a run for it's money. I am beyond determined to live as normal life as possible so this is a good first start. Wish me luck :)