One Year Ago Today (And Forward)

Today is June 22, 2011.

This exact day last year the surgeon who performed the biopsy on my chest told me that I had Hodgkin Lymphoma. I remember that day so vividly - I was at a loss. I was just kind of in a daze the whole day after that, wondering what I was going to do and what was going to happen to me in the next year. I was trying to prepare myself and come to terms with what I was about to endure. I was going to undergo chemotherapy and radiation. I was going to be sick and slow. I was going to lose all my hair. I was going to be a cancer patient.

I remember when I was younger I used to used to think out the scenario of what it would be like if I was ever diagnosed with cancer. Maybe it's the daydreamer in me that thought about this, as morbid of a thought it is. Of course, these thoughts always remained just that - thoughts. I never actually imagined that something as serious as cancer would ever hit me. But it did.

This past year has been the most difficult year of my life. Aside from the cancer, and trying to beat it while living 3,000 miles away from my entire family, it has been a tough experience trying to settle into the "real world," too. I started my first job and for the first time I was getting paid to do the things I have been studying for and interning for over the past 5 years. It is not an easy transition from school to the "real world" and it's even more difficult when you're faced with a critical health issue.

But 6 months and 12 rounds of chemotherapy, 4 weeks of radiation, numerous PET and CT scans, dozens of doctor visits, scars on my chest, and thousands of dollars in medical bills later, I am finally healthy. My first follow-up PET scan revealed that the mass in my chest is still there, but not cancerous and continues to shrink. I remember sitting in the hospital chair, having my chemotherapy administered into my veins and just fantasizing about the moment my doctor told me that I was all clear of cancer.

I try not to reminisce too much about the past. I have enjoyed living a life that doesn't include heavy dosages of medication or being bald. I like being able to do anything I want without any physical or health restrictions. I just enjoy being a normal 23-year-old again! But there are parts of the cancer that still linger with me... most of all, the two scars on my chest (one from my biopsy, one from my port).

The scars are my daily reminder that I did indeed go through what I went through. Yes, cancer did happen to me. And I will have those scars for the rest of my life to remind me of my journey, to remind me of how quickly life can be taken away... to remind me that I am not immortal.

Every time I smell rubbing alcohol, nail polish remover, some household cleaners, or anything else with harsh smells similar to those things, I feel sick. They remind me of the taste I would get in the back of my throat when the nurse would inject me with my chemo doses. As soon as the drugs were administered into my system, I would smell and taste a rubbing alcohol-like flavor. I'm not sure I will ever forget that taste.

Red Gatorade, or other red drinks always get me. I can't drink them. They remind me of the Adriamycin, the first drug in my Hodgkin Lymphoma chemo cocktail (ABDV). It was a thick, red liquid that was always in a red syringe. Anything that looks like that makes me sick to my stomach.

Some other things that I am still working on now include getting back to my normal self. It's one thing to be in "fighter mode" during cancer, but after cancer you realize that your energy no longer belongs to it. Instead, your energy belongs to the normal things again: work, social life, future, etc. It's actually a difficult transition. I was so used to being helpless in many situations and not having the energy to move full steam ahead with my goals, and once I did have that energy, I found it difficult to just jump back on the party train. But I'm taking baby steps.

My appearance is a work in progress. I gained about 20 pounds during my treatments and I'm still trying to grow my hair back. (For the record, I like my short hair but dearly miss my long hair!) I've started working out again and I'm closely monitoring my diet. Trying to get my life back in order after cancer is kind of like starting all over again. I kind of feel like I'm starting back at square one from before my diagnosis. But like I said, I have been waiting for this moment for so long.

In two weeks I am going to Hawaii to celebrate my grandparents' 50th anniversary. I am going to see some of my family members that I haven't seen since before my diagnosis! It's going to be so nice being able to go on a long trip without worrying if I will be healthy enough or if I'll be able to make it through without being sick.

One year later, I am living my life just the way I always wanted to.