While I'm not worried about feeling old (how could I? I'm only 23), it just sucks to think that I need to go through all this right now in my life. I suppose there never is a good time to get cancer, but in your early 20s is sure not ideal.
I've had no desire to celebrate. Why would I? Now is no time to celebrate another year of life when I'm clearly in the midst of the biggest fight I've ever battled to keep mine. I have faked smiles all day, pretending to be happy. Everyone asks if I'm having a party; I tell them I have work tomorrow so I'm just going to dinner. Other people seem to be more excited about my birthday than I am.
But the day was full of good surprises. Tons of my friends called and send text messages wishing me a happy birthday. My brother took me out to dinner, and several family members called me with the annual "let's all sing to Amanda poorly on speakerphone" call. My coworkers surprised me with cupcakes from Crumbs Bakery today (delicious!). It's a good feeling to feel loved like this.
No one wants to have cancer on their birthday. No one wants to spend their birthday wondering whether they will be alive for their next birthday. At least in my case, no one wants to think about if I will truly be cancer free this time next year.
All day today I've just thought about how I miss being able to just be my age and how lovely it would be to only worry about who is going to take pictures of me that during my inebriation because I likely won't remember anything from all the fun partying I was doing. It's not like that any more.
It's a semi-sad day for me today, a day that brings lots of thoughts to mind. But cheers anyway :) Happy Birthday to me.
Amanda,
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog after looking at Meagan's page and I had no idea. However, as I'm reading your blog, this one almost had me in tears. You're a strong girl and I know that you'll make it through this. You def haven't lost your sense of humor like you had in high school.
:)
Ashley Jones