And the hair grows...

Yo dudes. Check this out. My hair is growing like WHOA. The last time I got a hair cut was in July 2011, and it was cut really short and tight to my head. I'm now able to put it up in a ponytail, which was ridiculously exciting for me. And it just keeps getting longer and longer! It's so great to have this part of my identity back... I've even been able to invest in some clip-in hair extensions for when I really want to have long hair again.

Cousin it?

Second Follow-Up Scan Update

Six weeks ago I got my bi-annual CT scan. This was only the second scan since my treatments ended early last year, and to be honest I was pretty nervous about it. Nothing happened to warrant my anxiety; I had no symptoms alluding to a new occurrence. I've been living a completely normal life and going about my days as if cancer never happened. Well, today I got the results and the results were good: clean scan! The scar tissue from my tumor is still getting smaller, and there is no cancer. Yippity-freakin-yay!

So life is damn good. I suppose I will always be living with this fear in the back of my head, and every scan that I get I wind up thinking, "what if it came back?" But the truth is that I've been taking really great care of myself. I avoid processed foods, or anything with added hormones or chemicals. I've been exercising. I eliminate all forms of stress from my life. I surround myself with positivity and peacefulness.

I live my life this way because there is no other option for me. My life is so important to me now that every moment is like a gift to me. Sometimes I just sit and feel my breath going into my lungs and I am thankful. My life finally revolves around other things that don't involve getting back to my health. Things affect me again - work, relationships, friendships, personal growth - that never used to affect me because I was so focused on getting better. But now, even the painfully emotional moments or disappointment remind me that I am alive, and I am in a strange way so thankful for that.

To sum it up, nothing sucks after you've beaten cancer. Everything else besides the fact that you are healthy and alive is just peanuts.

Live on :)

Finally A Happy Birthday!

Last week I celebrated my 24th birthday.

And unlike my birthday last year, I was happy to celebrate this time around. Could you blame me? Last year I barely had enough energy to smile every time someone wished me a happy birthday, let alone have the energy to celebrate like a true 23-year-old with drinking and late nights out with friends.

So what did I do this year? I had several "celebrations" that began with a night of drinks at this outside bar overlooked by the Brooklyn Bridge. I also had a more intimate gathering of friends for dinner the following weekend. My coworkers again presented me with some Crumbs cupcakes (my favorite) and I then ate about 6 of them (hey, it was my birthday after all!).

I have started living a normal life again, a life that doesn't involve cancer at all. I barely talk about it anymore, and I like it that way. I'm tired of being the "cancer patient" or "that girl who had cancer." I talk about it with people now as if my experience with cancer was like breaking my arm or something. I'll be so nonchalant about it. Truth is, I just want to put it all behind me now. Going through cancer has made me a stronger person and I'm thankful for that, but I now feel like the "C" word is something I don't even want to let leave my lips otherwise it will become real again, like no one wants to say 'Voldemort' in Harry Potter. (Did I just make a Harry Potter reference in my blog? Yupp)

I did meet one girl who I don't mind talking about cancer with- Rachel, who is also a 20-something recently cleared of lymphoma. Meeting her was a breath of fresh air because I finally have someone to talk to who completely understands everything I have been going through. Everyone knows someone who has been through cancer and they will try to talk to you like they understand, but they don't. It takes first-hand experience to truly understand how much going through cancer sucks, and not only did Rachel have the same diagnosis as me, but she also dealt with getting treatments while being young and starting her career in New York City (sound familiar!?). She just gets it! Anyway, she also blogs (much more than I do) and I really recommend you all read and follow it: http://theperseverancediaries.blogspot.com/

Anyway, since I've been a "normal human" I have been really living life to the fullest. I meditate almost every single day. I believe that stress was the cause of my cancer to begin with, so I do my best to not let my stress or emotions get the best of me. I try to stay at a constant state of peace and happiness. I have been going out with my friends and drinking and dating - probably way too much to be honest - but I have a lot to make up for! Food tastes good again, I can stay awake late, my hair keeps growing out, and I just have ENERGY. Life is beautiful again because I appreciate everything so much more than ever before! I appreciate being able to walk up stairs, for example. STAIRS. I literally think to myself, "wow this is amazing I can just walk up these things!" Funny huh? But not really... being a survivor makes you see the world through different eyes.

So on my birthday last week, all I could think was that last year I was already thinking ahead to that day and wondering if I would be healthy and cancer-free on my 24th birthday. And I was. It was probably the best wish come true.

One Year Ago Today (And Forward)

Today is June 22, 2011.

This exact day last year the surgeon who performed the biopsy on my chest told me that I had Hodgkin Lymphoma. I remember that day so vividly - I was at a loss. I was just kind of in a daze the whole day after that, wondering what I was going to do and what was going to happen to me in the next year. I was trying to prepare myself and come to terms with what I was about to endure. I was going to undergo chemotherapy and radiation. I was going to be sick and slow. I was going to lose all my hair. I was going to be a cancer patient.

I remember when I was younger I used to used to think out the scenario of what it would be like if I was ever diagnosed with cancer. Maybe it's the daydreamer in me that thought about this, as morbid of a thought it is. Of course, these thoughts always remained just that - thoughts. I never actually imagined that something as serious as cancer would ever hit me. But it did.

This past year has been the most difficult year of my life. Aside from the cancer, and trying to beat it while living 3,000 miles away from my entire family, it has been a tough experience trying to settle into the "real world," too. I started my first job and for the first time I was getting paid to do the things I have been studying for and interning for over the past 5 years. It is not an easy transition from school to the "real world" and it's even more difficult when you're faced with a critical health issue.

But 6 months and 12 rounds of chemotherapy, 4 weeks of radiation, numerous PET and CT scans, dozens of doctor visits, scars on my chest, and thousands of dollars in medical bills later, I am finally healthy. My first follow-up PET scan revealed that the mass in my chest is still there, but not cancerous and continues to shrink. I remember sitting in the hospital chair, having my chemotherapy administered into my veins and just fantasizing about the moment my doctor told me that I was all clear of cancer.

I try not to reminisce too much about the past. I have enjoyed living a life that doesn't include heavy dosages of medication or being bald. I like being able to do anything I want without any physical or health restrictions. I just enjoy being a normal 23-year-old again! But there are parts of the cancer that still linger with me... most of all, the two scars on my chest (one from my biopsy, one from my port).

The scars are my daily reminder that I did indeed go through what I went through. Yes, cancer did happen to me. And I will have those scars for the rest of my life to remind me of my journey, to remind me of how quickly life can be taken away... to remind me that I am not immortal.

Every time I smell rubbing alcohol, nail polish remover, some household cleaners, or anything else with harsh smells similar to those things, I feel sick. They remind me of the taste I would get in the back of my throat when the nurse would inject me with my chemo doses. As soon as the drugs were administered into my system, I would smell and taste a rubbing alcohol-like flavor. I'm not sure I will ever forget that taste.

Red Gatorade, or other red drinks always get me. I can't drink them. They remind me of the Adriamycin, the first drug in my Hodgkin Lymphoma chemo cocktail (ABDV). It was a thick, red liquid that was always in a red syringe. Anything that looks like that makes me sick to my stomach.

Some other things that I am still working on now include getting back to my normal self. It's one thing to be in "fighter mode" during cancer, but after cancer you realize that your energy no longer belongs to it. Instead, your energy belongs to the normal things again: work, social life, future, etc. It's actually a difficult transition. I was so used to being helpless in many situations and not having the energy to move full steam ahead with my goals, and once I did have that energy, I found it difficult to just jump back on the party train. But I'm taking baby steps.

My appearance is a work in progress. I gained about 20 pounds during my treatments and I'm still trying to grow my hair back. (For the record, I like my short hair but dearly miss my long hair!) I've started working out again and I'm closely monitoring my diet. Trying to get my life back in order after cancer is kind of like starting all over again. I kind of feel like I'm starting back at square one from before my diagnosis. But like I said, I have been waiting for this moment for so long.

In two weeks I am going to Hawaii to celebrate my grandparents' 50th anniversary. I am going to see some of my family members that I haven't seen since before my diagnosis! It's going to be so nice being able to go on a long trip without worrying if I will be healthy enough or if I'll be able to make it through without being sick.

One year later, I am living my life just the way I always wanted to.

I Have HAIR!

Check it out! I have hair now! Like, A LOT OF IT!



In 6 months I have about 3 inches of hair. That seems pretty accurate, according to what my doctors and the Internet told me. (Your hair supposedly grows about 1/2 inch every month). It's going to be awhile until I have long, flowing hair again, but it's nice to have my own locks after being bald for so long!

I have looked back on a lot of my videos and can't believe how much my look has changed. The best is when random people in the streets stop me to compliment my haircut. If only they knew... !

4 Months Post-Treatments

Can you believe it? Four months have gone by and I already feel like cancer happened ages ago. This time last year I was getting my biopsy done and just about to discover that the lump growing in my chest was actually a cancerous tumor.

I got my first follow-up CT scan done this past Monday. I'll have to get one of those about three times a year for the first couple years after my treatments. The worst part of that is just drinking the barium sulfate liquid that coats my intestines. Don't let the flavored "smoothie" fool you. My GOD those are disgusting! I had the vanilla flavored one this time, which was a tad better than the mocha flavored one I spoke about earlier on in this blog (for those of you who have followed this all the way though, remember "mocha flavored semen"?).

Things post-treatment have been pretty good so far. My hair is growing back in slowly but it's been fun rocking a little pixie cut! It's finally at a length that is starting to look a little shaggy. It's been difficult adjusting to having short hair, but it definitely beats having none at all! And I don't need to wear a wig anymore in order to feel normal. I can't complain about that option - it's 95 degrees in New York City right now and even the thought of me wearing a wig makes me sweat! But the short hair is kind of cute, right? Check me out in my hospital garb to the right a couple of days ago...

Aside from the hair, it's been a process just getting back into the daily swing of normal life. Working full steam and paying all my medical bills and trying to answer that questions of "what's next?" is tough after such a long battle with Alice. I'm finally on my own ready (and strong enough) to take on new challenges, but it's a little daunting! But let's be real - I can do it, right? ;)

Radiation Time

Tomorrow will mark my first full week of radiation treatments. If I could sum it all up for you, all I would have to say is this: it's a piece of cake! All of the worrying I was doing when the thought of radiation was first brought up now seems unnecessary. Sure, it's a serious procedure, but it's nothing compared to chemotherapy!

The entire thing takes about 10-15 minutes. All I do is lay still on a table (in my mold!). I don't feel a thing. I have have to go every morning on weekdays for 17 treatments. My last one will be on March 4 (which is also my brother's birthday - he told me that would be the best birthday present he could get! Aww).

I don't have any side effects yet, but the doctor told me that I may experience some fatigue and some skin changes in the areas where the radiation occurs (mainly, some skin discoloration). These don't worry me. Like I said, a little fatigue is nothing compared to being nauseous, bloated, tired, cranky, and miserable 24-7! And the best part of getting radiation? No needles!!!

I don't mean to take this procedure lightly; I am aware that getting radiation includes some risks. However, I can't help but feel overjoyed that the worst is over. In three weeks, I will be finished with all of my cancer treatments. March 10th I will have the last appointment with my oncologist until June.

Eight months have passed since this entire journey began and I can finally say that I'm feeling like myself again! Not only does my hair continue to grow in, but my eyebrows and my eyelashes have also come back! I don't need to wear false lashes or pencil in my eyebrows to look human. Of course, this means that hair growth has restored to my whole body. I'm back to shaving my underarms and legs every day, just like old times! (I never thought I'd be so happy about THAT, but I am!)

I suppose the little things mean so much more to me now. Like walking up stairs -- I can do that!!! And eating?! I can do that too! I don't need to take any medications, and hey! I can even go to the gym and take yoga classes now because I have the energy to! I've been waiting for this for such a long time, and I'm overjoyed that that time is finally here.