Radiation Time

Tomorrow will mark my first full week of radiation treatments. If I could sum it all up for you, all I would have to say is this: it's a piece of cake! All of the worrying I was doing when the thought of radiation was first brought up now seems unnecessary. Sure, it's a serious procedure, but it's nothing compared to chemotherapy!

The entire thing takes about 10-15 minutes. All I do is lay still on a table (in my mold!). I don't feel a thing. I have have to go every morning on weekdays for 17 treatments. My last one will be on March 4 (which is also my brother's birthday - he told me that would be the best birthday present he could get! Aww).

I don't have any side effects yet, but the doctor told me that I may experience some fatigue and some skin changes in the areas where the radiation occurs (mainly, some skin discoloration). These don't worry me. Like I said, a little fatigue is nothing compared to being nauseous, bloated, tired, cranky, and miserable 24-7! And the best part of getting radiation? No needles!!!

I don't mean to take this procedure lightly; I am aware that getting radiation includes some risks. However, I can't help but feel overjoyed that the worst is over. In three weeks, I will be finished with all of my cancer treatments. March 10th I will have the last appointment with my oncologist until June.

Eight months have passed since this entire journey began and I can finally say that I'm feeling like myself again! Not only does my hair continue to grow in, but my eyebrows and my eyelashes have also come back! I don't need to wear false lashes or pencil in my eyebrows to look human. Of course, this means that hair growth has restored to my whole body. I'm back to shaving my underarms and legs every day, just like old times! (I never thought I'd be so happy about THAT, but I am!)

I suppose the little things mean so much more to me now. Like walking up stairs -- I can do that!!! And eating?! I can do that too! I don't need to take any medications, and hey! I can even go to the gym and take yoga classes now because I have the energy to! I've been waiting for this for such a long time, and I'm overjoyed that that time is finally here.

Killing Alice, The Video!!!

Check it out!!! Makiin made a video for my theme song Killing Alice! This song really means a lot to me and it helped me get through a lot of my treatments. It brings tears to my eyes. Big thanks to Makiin for writing this beautiful song for me and everyone else out there going through cancer!!!

Adios Jessica

Check it out!! My hair is starting to grow back, and kinda fast!! Today I stopped wearing my wig to work. The stickers that I use to attach it to my head were starting to pull on my hair and become painful. Therefore, I decided that it must be time to say goodbye to Jessica. (It's been fun, Jessica, but it's time to move on!). Most of my co-workers knew what I was going through, but many people didn't. I shared my story with some, and others I didn't. It's funny because most people think that I cut my hair!! A lot of people told me that it's such a bold haircut but it looks good on me. I think so, too!

Hello hair! I've missed you!

It's kind of nice having short hair for the first time in my life (and much better than having NO hair, too!). If I wasn't forced to be bald in the first place, then I never would have cut my hair to this length. I'm happy that people have been responding favorably to my new look. It really gives me a lot of confidence that I was unsure I would be able to get.

I never thought that it would mean so much to me to be growing my hair again, but I must admit, it feels so damn good to have hair again!!! I keep running my fingers over my scalp to feel my little baby hairs coming in, and it makes me smile. :)

Next Question: Radiation or Not?

Aaaaaand I'm alive!

This week I feel like a human again. Human? you ask. Yes, human. This week is what I would call one of my "human weeks," in which I have energy and feel like my normal self. Days like these feel great - my stomach doesn't bother me, I'm not high on medication all day or drowsy, and I enjoy my food. I wish every day could be like this!

But alas, this Friday I will have to go in again for another treatment - treatment number 5b, to be exact (or #10). After this Friday I will only have TWO more chemo treatments to deal with. Good God the finish line is so close!!!

My next steps are to decide whether I will be receiving any radiation after my treatment. Last week I met with a radiation specialist (who interestingly resembled David Bowie) and we went over my options. Of course, he recommended I get a full dosage of radiation after my treatment, especially because I have a large, bulky mass (tumor) in my chest cavity. However, since I am responding so well to my chemotherapy, my oncologist might recommend something different, whether that be no radiation or a lighter dosage of it. It's really up for the radiation specialist and my oncologist to determine after I get my PET scan results at the end of my chemotherapy treatment.

Of course, this all brings up many thoughts. Mainly, what's the risk involved? Well, if I don't get radiation, there is a high chance - I was told an estimated 40 percent chance - that the Hodgkins can grow back in the same area. If I do get radiation in that area, it will kill any remaining cells, however, it will increase my chances of developing secondary cancers in the future such as breast, lung, or throat cancer - at about an estimated 20 percent chance. So what's the lesser of two evils here?

Here's what I was told about the radiation:

If I get a full round of radiation, it will be about 15-17 treatments, which would take place once a day, every day Monday through Friday (so it would be about three weeks). The treatments themselves would take about five minutes and be just like getting an x-ray. The radiation specialist told me that the side effects would be much less severe than chemo, mostly being just fatigue and maybe some light burning on my skin.

The hard part is to think that after all this is over, there is still a semi-high chance that in my future I will have to go through this all over again, despite what methods I decide on after chemo. I'm not happy about that. However, I am just trying to focus on getting over this hurdle now so I can start living a healthier lifestyle. I need to take one day at a time!

I have a tremendous amount of respect and trust for my oncologist and nurses, so I am sure that together we can all come up with the best possible course of action to take after chemo.

**note: I'd love to hear opinions/experiences about radiation from anyone reading this. Not sure who comes across this blog, but I'm interested to hear what others have to say!

Almost In Remission!

Great news - my halfway-mark PET scan revealed that I made "remarkable progress through chemotherapy" and my doctors said that my tumor is now so small that I am close to remission! The best part? I won't likely need any radiation after my treatment because I'm responding so well to the chemotherapy.

Well this just ROCKS!!!

That being said, I received my 7th treatment yesterday and it went by so fast! Why? Well, my long awaited desire to make cancer crafts finally happened! There is a cart full of crafts that I saw once but never again until yesterday, so I took full advantage. I painted this little picture frame (yes, being CRAFTY at CHEMO!).

Between the good scan results, the crafts and the controlled substances I was on for my nausea, I was having a grand 'ol time!

Anyway, this means that I've now completed 7 out of 12 chemo treatments. I'M OVER THE HUMP! Thanks to all my friends and supporters I have been nipping this thing in the butt!

Special thanks to the following people who have come with me so far and sat through hours of chemotherapy with me:

(I am now taking offers for further visits. All I can offer you are some awesome crafts and a Jamba Juice! And my ETERNAL LOVE AND DEVOTION.) Surprisingly, this is the same thing Satan lures people in with. No fears, Mandy = NOT Satan.


My grandma - first visit
My brother, Jaymes - 3rd visit
Bryce S. - 4th
Rob M. - 5th visit
Danny C. - 6th visit
Alessondra A. - 7th

(I've only been to one treatment alone, but my friends have made it point to keep my company ever since then! You guys are the best.)


Hey do me a favor: ***SUBSCRIBE TO MY BLOG!!!*** See right there in the upper right of this blog? ----> DO IT! :) It will take two seconds.

Time for a PET scan!

Since I'm half finished with chemotherapy, the next step is to get a new PET scan done! Let's hope that the melon-sized tumor in my chest cavity is MUCH smaller by now.

The chemicals may be killing my cancer, but as you can see, they haven't managed to kill my sense of humor. (Some might argue against the "sense of humor" part. Don't worry, the chemicals haven't leeched into my brain either.)

SEX, and other things I can still do.

Last night I had a little dinner party for a couple friends and we got to talking about sex (naturally). My girls asked if I was worried about losing my sex drive during my chemotherapy treatments, and if I could have it.

(Apologies to anyone in my family reading this who think I made it through college and a 3-year relationship without losing my virginity ha-ha).

(Picture: I sent this photo to my friend when he asked if I was "allowed" to still drink beer. Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I was sipping on one at that moment!)

This is actually something that I was curious about when I first got diagnosed. It was one of my first thoughts. HAH. And, coincidentally, it's something a lot of my friends ask me about, too. Oh, people and their constant thoughts of sex!! Animals!

Okay. To answer the question, my sex drive is fully intact. And yes, believe or not, I can still have sex! WHAT! That's "allowed"?!

Well of course it is, you silly willy! But let's face it, some days I have low energy levels so the last thing on my mind is sex, or doing anything active at all, for that matter. Most people I know are educated enough to know that engaging in any intimate interaction with a chemo patient is NOT a contagious situation. DUH. When I first got diagnosed, I was afraid that through my hair loss and wig-wearing and such that I wouldn't get the same kind of attention I was used to getting as an "Alice-Free" Amanda. Well, maintaining my confidence and outgoing personality have not dwindled the attention I get from men at all.

But sex isn't the only thing people ask me about. It's really concerning the simple things people ask me, "are you allowed to do that?"... simple things like hanging out with friends, even.

(Photo: Watching movies in Bryant Park with one of my best friends from grad school.)

On the subject of what I'm "allowed" to do, the answer is really, well, everything. Just because I am going through chemotherapy doesn't mean that I can't enjoy a good beer and pizza or a night out with my friends or hold a job or travel. The key is to just do what I'm comfortable with and to take precautions.

If I am feeling nauseas, then downing more than one or two beers or alcoholic beverages probably won't make me feel any better. Sometimes I choose to just not drink at all when I go out. Nights out with friends might end earlier for me - even if I am feeling okay - just because I think it's best to give my body as much rest as possible. After all, it's working damn hard to kill Alice! I must give it some sleep!

(Picture: NYC night out! Smoking some hooka at a nightclub.)

My immunity is low because my white blood cell count is down. So I carry hand sanitizer with me everywhere and I am constantly washing my hands. (My doctor also prescribed me some antibiotics for this. More meds! Surprise, surprise!). If I am traveling somewhere, maybe I will bring a surgical mask (as weird as that is) to protect me from catching any stray germs from all the people around me. Yeah, that sounds weird [and unstylish on all levels] and I will look like a freak, but if it means being safer, then I'm going to DO IT!

My eating habits are pretty normal, although I have been trying to eat more vegetables and fruit and "healthy stuff" for the sake of my body. But I'm still a firm believer in indulging in a bag of popcorn and gummy bears at the movies. And how could any New Yorker seriously resist some good New York pizza?! Get outta' heeee! (my attempt of typing in a New York accent).

(Photo: Acting like normal crazy person and rocking my funky pink wig!)

For the record, I have asked my doctor about all of these things. During my first visit with him I brought this HUGE list of things I was concerned about. He gave me this "are you effing kidding me" kind of look when I asked him if I could still be a 22-year-old and hang out with my friends during chemo. He's like, OF COURSE YOU CAN!!!! And I have been living a perfectly normal life this entire time, despite all the medications I take and bi-monthly trips to the hospital, and the hair-loss. :)

So to finish up this post, here are a list of things that I have actually been asked whether I can still do while going through chemotherapy. And YES, I can do these!:

- drink alcohol (even though my grandmother hates this)
- go to parties/dinner with friends/bars/nightclubs
- travel on an airplane, subway, drive a car!
- work a full-time job (in media!)
- exercise (not that I have time for it, really)
- look hot and get sexually harassed on the street by random men (and sometimes women!)
- live by myself (and take care of myself, too!)
- dance the night away like a crazy dancing machine
- carry things (I'm a cancer fighter, not handicapped)
- Be around children/babies (and make faces at them when their parents aren't looking. No need to call the police.)
- Smile every day and laugh constantly. Life is more beautiful when you have cancer. Really. For me at least =)

You guys rock my world! Really.

When I posted my status on Facebook yesterday stating that I was 1/3 finished with "kicking cancer's stupid butt," I never expected such an outpour of shock and support from my friends. I guess I expected that most people had found out by then through word of mouth or something. But I was wrong. I got at least 20 messages in my inbox last from friends explaining how they had no idea, and how they were there to support me.

What a response, though! Many people wrote to me saying that my blog brought tears to their eyes. Some people called me an inspiration. Others called me their hero. Some people called me superwoman. My god, I was not expecting that reaction. But it feels so incredibly amazing! I woke up this morning like a new woman, recharged and ready to take on not just Alice, but the world!

The best part was hearing from people who said that reading my blog and knowing about my diagnosis helped them get through their own pain of struggling with friends and family members' cancer diagnoses. To think that just putting my own story out there wound up helping others makes every word I've published worth it. Wow. I am at a loss for words how I feel right now.

So I really wanted to dedicate this blog to everyone who wrote to me yesterday, and today. To the people I've known for years - and the people I've never even met before -who wrote to me with their kind words of encouragement. All of your words have recharged me into supermode!

I'm so happy to be able to give others hope and to show everyone that cancer is not the end! THANK YOU EVERYONE!!!

New port, same attitude.

Good news! I'm officially one third of the way finished with my treatment! Take that motherf****r Alice!!!

Today was chemo treatment number 4 of 12. Doesn't seem like much, but knowing that I am one third of the way finished makes everything feel so much better and definitely keeps my spirits high!

Today was also the first time I used my new port. I had it surgically implanted in my chest yesterday. It makes chemo SO much easier (despite all the pain caused by the poking and prodding it took to access it under all the swelling. FUN TIMES!).

For the past several treatments I had been receiving my chemo through IVs, which hurt my veins for days after. It also took much longer for me to receive my treatment. I'm not going to lie - the drugs are some serious stuff! It burned in my veins so much that the nurses had to slow down my dosages. So what would normally take an hour took two and a half. What a great way to spend a Friday.

So hooray for the port! Anyone getting chemo should have one. It makes life a whole lot easier. Now time to celebrate!

Time for a port.

Today I got a port placed in my chest. Basically, it's a button thing that is inserted under my skin and connected to a vein that I can get medicine through. This will make my chemotherapy a lot easier. The actual procedure required surgery, though, and I was required to have someone escort me home.

Now, I do live alone, and I take great pride in being an independent woman. So asking someone to go out of their way to sit for hours waiting for me during surgery was a total headache. I hate asking people for favors. And even though I have cancer, I still don't expect favors from people!

But despite all this, I still needed someone. So I did what every Internet child did: I asked my friends on Facebook! I updated my status asking if someone could go with me to the hospital to escort me home after a minor surgery.

I'm not lying: within 15 minutes, at least 10 of my friends offered to go with me. It kind of shocked me. I even had friends from Miami offering to fly up for the day to be with me. Some people said they were busy but called other friends of theirs in New York City (who I had never met) and said they would help out. It really hit me at this moment: I have awesome friends.

My friend Nikolia wound up helping me home that day (and she is awesome because she is patient and shares my desire to play with hospital gloves!).

Nikolia found the box of hospital gloves.

I also can't forget to mention one friend in particular, Sharaf, who I met in my master's program, who made it his own mission to find someone in our group of friends to help me the day of my surgery. At least three people told him they could go. (Sharaf has been an incredible help and support. I will - at a later time - write a blog about him with his consent!)

I still don't like asking for favors, but if I really needed anything, I know for a fact that my friends would be there for me. After all, I have the best friends a girl could ask for. I'm such a lucky gal!

I need some black friends STAT!

One of my best friends from Miami told me that I should date a black guy because "they're used to dealing with wigs!" Haha! (For the record, she's black.) I'm trying to get used to this wig thing. I don't know how to wash it. I don't know how to wear it. I don't know what to do if it rains. I don't know how to approach the thought of hooking up with a guy and telling him to stay the hell away from my hair if he is in a "hair-pulling" mood. (Hey! It'll get messed up!). Hence, the comment from my friend. Haha. I need some black friends in New York, SERIOUSLY, to explain this all to me! I'm a lost little white girl!

I'm quite fond of my wig though, but when I hang out around my apartment I'm usually in my Michael Phelps gear, a.k.a. my "swimmers hat" a.k.a. the stretchy thing I'm wearing over my head in the video. It's super comfy! And it may be the perfect indicator that I'm a young cancer patient, but SCREW THAT! It's 90 f***ing degrees in New York City and I need to keep cool!

Toodles!

Taking the plunge: Bald and Loving it!

I DID IT!! I CHOPPED MY HAIR OFF! AND I FEEL FABULOUS!!! It's incredible that I've been able to maintain my self esteem. If anything, I feel even MORE confident and beautiful than ever! Was definitely not expecting this.

Take a look at my photos below:

Just chopped all my hair off... ready to get buzzed!

All my hair. It looks so sad.

For fun I had the stylist give me a mohawk during the buzzing process. Probably won't have that opportunity again, so why not!?

Enter G.I. Amanda. I'm actually kind of digging it!

And finally...

Final decision: FEELING FIERCE AND BEAUTIFUL!

The hardest part: Hair loss.

I'm boldly going where I never wanted to go: I'm chopping my hair off. This is very hard for a girl who has gone her whole life constantly getting compliments for having fabulous hair. I am attached to mine like Marsha Brady. THIS IS NOT AN EASY THING TO DO! But it needs to be done. There is hair all over my apartment - on the floor, in my bed, on my clothes, in my food! Gross. Time to chop it off.

I anticipate hours of crying hysterically. But I will counter that with at least two pints of Ben & Jerry's. Maybe I will throw some chips and popcorn in there, depending on my level of depression.

But wait a second. I've completely let my vanity distract me from the fact that I have cancer... and OVERCOMING cancer! I suppose the hair loss means the drugs are working ;)

Gotta stay positive! Stay tuned for pictures...

Meet Jessica.

The one thing I'm truly not looking forward through in this whole cancer debacle is losing my hair. No woman wants to go through it, especially not me! I've always taken pride in looking good and feeling sexy and getting attention from men. But THIS is a whole new story. For the first time since I was a baby straight from the womb, I am going to be bald.

As depressing as this is, I've decided to prepare by buying a wig. I went to this fancy wig salon mentioned to me by my oncologist, called Bitz and Pieces (Check out their website here). The staff was really caring and helpful and knew all there is to know about losing your hair during chemotherapy. They gave me a consultation in a private room so I didn't feel uncomfortable.

The owner of the store, Barry, has made wigs for a bunch of celebrities (including Madonna, Mariah Carey and CHER. All Hail!). There's a whole wall of signed photographs from celebrities thanking him for their beautiful hair. So right off the bat, it's a pricey place! Thank goodness I got a prescription for my hair prothesis. And what a sexy, fabulous one it is!



Enter Jessica.

I decided to name my wig for a couple reasons. First of all, she has personality. And I am a different person when I'm wearing her. She has style, sass, and looks like vixen hair! Plus, I just like to name things. So I decided to name her Jessica. There ya go.

Getting Jessica is a huge relief. Not only do I feel comfortable knowing that I have the opportunity to look normal throughout my treatment, but I also feel HOT too! Jessica is even better than my normal hair! I feel like a diva. Plus, it's great having long, thick hair that can curl (unlike my fine, straight hair I've always had).

I haven't the slightest clue how to wash her or wear her, but I'm ready for it! Once my hair starts falling out I will begin to wear her. But until then, I kind of look forward to knowing I can still have a full head of hair (kind of) throughout my treatment.

Ready, set, CHEMO.

I'm about to get my first chemo treatment and I'm not really sure what to expect.

I mean, I'm going to be hooked up to a machine. Am I going to turn into a vegetable? And I going to be sick? Will I be the youngest person there?

The one thing I'm really concerned about is whether I will feel okay enough to go to my friend's birthday party tomorrow night. Oh, the worries of a 22-year-old cancer patient! Hah.

Knowing me, I will do whatever it takes to feel okay. I hate feeling down and being negative. So bring on the drugs! And I'm ready to give cancer a run for it's money. I am beyond determined to live as normal life as possible so this is a good first start. Wish me luck :)

Doctors = Vampires.

I've been getting tons of tests done. They test my heart, they test my lungs, they take tons of x-rays, body scans, and ask me tons of questions about my medical history. But the one thing doctors love to do the most is TEST MY BLOOD. Every time I am in the hospital someone needs my blood for something. I've seem more blood than Edward Cullen in the past couple weeks!

(Photo: Me blowing on something to test my lungs. Sorry for the perverted thoughts I just had.)

I've been very lucky to have my grandma with me throughout all my doctor visits. I live in New York City all alone, so it's tough going through this whole situation with no one to lean on. My grandma flew in from California and has been braving the NYC subway and busy lifestyle to accompany me to all my appointments, and there are a lot!

Today she had the pleasure of hearing me sing Lady Gaga in the hospital waiting room as I impatiently waited over an hour to see a doctor for more blood tests and body scans. WHAT A LUCKY WOMAN. You can scare the crap out of me cancer, but you can't scare away my crazy random sense of humor!

Watch my grandma try to avoid it:

Hi there. I have cancer.

I never really knew how people reacted when they were told they had cancer. I never thought that someone would be telling me I had cancer, either. And especially not when I was only 22 years old.

But last week on June 22, 2010 - just five weeks after graduating with my master's degree - my doctor informed me that a recent CT scan revealed that I had a "large, cancerous growth" in my left chest cavity.

(Photo: Overjoyed to graduate with my master's degree in May. A couple weeks later I would find out I had cancer.)

Whippity-freakin-hoo.

Right around my graduation I noticed a lump growing in my chest, right under my collar bone. I called it my third boob (and even named her!). I went to the doctor to check it out, not thinking it was anything serious, but that visit led to a slew of x-rays and tests and a biopsy that revealed the unthinkable: stage II Hodgkin's Disease.

(Photo: Me in a sexayyy potato sack of a hospital gown about to get one of many x-rays of my lump.)

The day of my diagnosis was spent crying and feeling sorry for myself. I left the doctor's office like a negative Nancy and walked around Central Park for several hours, blank, sad, thinking about everything from how I was supposed to tell my family to thoughts of losing my hair. What caused this? How am I going to get through this? Am I going to die?

But alas! I quickly pulled myself together and realized that feeling sorry for myself was not going to change the fact that I had cancer. I WAS going to get through this. So I snapped back into my sunny disposition and looked at the positives: I had Hodgkin's Lymphoma, which is known to be one of the most treatable forms of cancer out there with more than 90 percent survival rate. The odds were in my favor. Yes, I was young, but at my age, getting through chemotherapy would be much easier than if I were in my 40s or 50s. Had to think positively, right?

The worst part of it all was the thought of telling my loved ones. I've always been somewhat stoic in nature; anyone who knows me knows that I have been through a lot of emotional situations over the years, and I have slowly become immune to feelings. But I still knew my diagnosis would be hard on the people who loved me the most. And I had to tell them.

So I started by telling my grandparents, my brother, my best friends. And then I told them to pass along the message to mutual friends and extended family members. This was the easiest way for me because there's really no way to tell people you know, but aren't SUPER close to, that you have cancer. "Hi Suzy. I haven't talked to you in two months, but it's nice to see you at this party! Sooooo.... guess what? I have cancer!" Ummm yeah, no.

(Photo: Right after my biopsy, which revealed that I had Hodgkin's. And it left a yummy scar for memories!)

The "word of mouth" factor really helped me out a lot. And for those who it didn't reach, I have this handy-dandy blog!

The reaction was different from everyone: some people offered prayers, some were apologetic and said they were sorry I had to go through this, some broke down in tears, some praised my strength and courage, some got mad I hadn't told them earlier. But through everyone I told, everyone gave me their support. Everyone offered to help, and everyone has been there for me.

Some people who I hadn't talked to in months and years suddenly reached out to check on me. Funny how major news re-ignites old friendships, or strengthens current ones. But I'm beyond thankful for the amazing support system my friends, family, and acquaintances have given me. As a good friend put it to me yesterday, I'm "lucky in my unluckiness." And I am in many ways :)

S0 here goes my blog about my journey! Check back in here for updates on my progress and experiences.